Asiwaju Political Company (APC)!

Asiwaju Political Company (APC)!

By Usoro Usoro

Once, in the Federal Republic of Opportunism, politics was a noble art. It was a game of ideas, ideals, and integrity. Just before Nigeria invented her latest booming politico-business conglomerate. Hello!? Is that APC — the Asiwaju Political Company!?

Here, the promoters say every staff-member is a stakeholder. But not a shareholder. The “stakes” are illusory rights to AGM election participation. And, yes,
every new joiner is an investor. Not necessarily a beneficiary. The masses? A collateral damage!

It’s a holding firm of ambition, arrogance, and acquisition. At its magnificent headquarters located in the sleepy village of Aso Rock, deals are signed in handshakes. Dividends are paid in appointments. The enemies are unhappy. They claim this powerful firm has diversified interests in votes, promises, and propaganda.

The conglomerate has offices spread across the nation. With firm control of about 25 of the 36 states, so far. Plus every social media platform.

Its mission statement is simple: to sell hope during elections and silence afterward. Employees are called “party members.” Promotions are based not on performance, but subservience to Baba’s cap. Baba’s the head of the empire!

You see, this company’s built on strong principles backed by the EFCC. Branches and prominent members must be of utmost integrity. In fact, they must be above boards – including planks, plywoods, etc. All their files at ICPC, CCB, EFCC must be in blue ink. Otherwise…!

Each branch has a damaging director, sorry, managing director. In Edo State, for instance, the company’s local franchise is run by one Monday Okpebholo. In his maximum confusion, the MD has designed a dressing code for all the Management staff. It doesn’t matter if they wear “dros” to work. Provided they wear a specially designed infinity cap!

It’s a corporate uniform: the sacred Asiwaju cap. The rule is clear: no cap, no cabinet. Forget governance, focus on garment loyalty. Afterall, loyalty must be worn like garment to be appreciated. And the industry thrives more in the midst of unemployment, excruciating poverty and overtaxed economy.

Oh, when the Edo state MD joined the APC, the earth did not quake — it only chuckled. Edo people have witnessed many things. Including a campaign promise of “insecurity.” So, apparently, the “cap decree” didn’t shock them anymore. Now, the state’s not measured by policy, but by headgear. The new order is simple: wear the Asiwaju cap or be politically beheaded.

The comedy needed a sequel. So, any commissioner who dares to sleep without the Tinubu cap shall be suspended from the party. Ask Jarrett Tenebe, the Edo APC chairman. That’s a fitting punishment from a government already suspended from reality.
Edo’s next cabinet meeting will be held at a tailor’s shop. To suit the “cap-and-pose politics.” Edo is the latest APC revelation!

Oh, never mind policies, budgets, or infrastructure. What matters now is cap compliance. The spirit of governance has been replaced by the gospel according to brim and logo. In this new political liturgy, the cap is both crown and compass.

In Akwa Ibom, Umo Eno, missed his line. While reading his defection script, he skipped the “cap injunction.” After ordering all the management staff to join the bandwagon. Else…!
Since then, roads, sorry, lives in Akwa Ibom have never been the same again! After the citizens counted potholes for free, the governor has now made it official. All the potholes are to be counted and numbered, perhaps for next year’s budget!

Meanwhile, APC is still interested in more acquisition. No need for life-impacting developments. Just bulldoze and conquer. At this rate, even the air will soon join APC. The rivers will cross-carpet, the forests will register, and the clouds will get membership cards. Soon, the sun itself might need to wear an Asiwaju cap before rising.

Nigeria’s now one giant recruitment ground for Asiwaju Political Company. PDP, LP, NNPP — all of them are now like abandoned kiosks beside a booming supermarket. Governors are herding into APC like sheep into Noah’s Ark. Not because of any flood of performance. But because 2027 is already raining promises and power-sharing hope.

Critics say the only legacy Tinubu is after is to foist a one-party state. True or false? Of the 11 states remaining, Rivers is one leg in. Anambra is holding talks, Kano is negotiating. Plateau reports of pressure. All to join the overbloating political company. Soon, the 36 states will all be APC. Then, what?

Initially, the states claim they can never be bought. They pretend like the tortoise in a make-believe fight with the lion. Then, they fabricate “connection with the centre” as excuses. As if development depends on a party platform. For me, party has never been the problem. Parties do not control state funds. They don’t do budgets. They don’t manage our coffers. The humans within the parties do.

Once, a majority of our leaders now in APC, ADC, etc were in other parties. That was when
PDP superintended over and initiated the nation’s ruin. Now, they indirectly indicte themselves. I hope if APC implodes or self-destructs tomorrow, the same fellows won’t sermonise in another ship.

Governance? That old relic has been paused. Ministries are now campaign offices in disguise. The civil service is frozen. The roads remain cratered, salaries delayed, hospitals coughing for drugs, and schools gasping for desks.

But the political machinery is oiled and humming. Perhaps one day, historians will call this era “The Great Decampment.” When loyalty was a costume, governance a rumor, and democracy reduced to a dress code!

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