My Wife, Tinubu, Dangote and the Subsidy Ghost

My Wife, Tinubu, Dangote and the Subsidy Ghost

By Usoro I. Usoro

My wife is the leader of opposition in my house. She’s also the opposition leader! Helloooo! Can you hear me? (Find the difference). Now, she uses me as the rehearsal ground for her anger. All because, when Tinubu shouted on May 29, 2023 like an overexcited kid: “Subsidy is gone!”, I exclaimed, “hallelujah”!

Well, my bad. I thought then that “subsidy” was some global epidemic. And that the World Health Organisation (WHO) had just declared it finally eradicated. Or that “subsidy” was another name for Boko Haram, unknown gunmen, darkness, high rent, and hunger. Or a codeword for our politicians’ large appetite for sirens, long convoys, empty promises and frivolities.

Since that day, madam stopped smiling at the mirror. She complains to the cooking pot, instead. Every time the stove dies halfway, she bangs the pot so hard, even the beans inside shiver in fear.

Then she begins the UTME question session: “Which year will this one cook? Eh? Where are those hallelujah choristers? Those tipsy uncles who celebrated subsidy removal as if they were buying beer for the whole joint?” The pot hisses in agreement, the children scatter for safety, and I pretend to be busy reading Tinubu’s lips on TV.

Lately, our kitchen has become a protest ground. When kerosene price doubles, madam campaigns against Tinubu in the kitchen.
When fuel queues return, she organises a protest at the dining table. When NEPA takes light, she issues a press release in the bedroom: “Tell your president to use the subsidy billions to repair refineries instead of fixing potholes in private pockets.”

The situation got worse when the Dangote-PENGASSAN wahala started. The union, which controls the bloodline of our economy, threatens to lock the tap. Malam swept out Nigerian workers from his refinery and hired foreigners. PENGASSAN raged: It’s our refinery. On our own soil. Our own oxygen. No Nigerians, no crude!

Today, in Nigeria, whenever trouble comes, it dresses like Tinubu. So, hey! This October drama is not just Dangote’s fault. It’s not even PENGASSAN’s “balablu”. The real blame sits in Aso Rock. That’s where Tinubu and his men pretend to be busy with a “town hall different”. Confusion! That’s the foundation of “Renewed Hope” now turning into recycled hardship.

You see, even Tinubu can’t define his hope mantra. It was just a reflex called “words combination.” Without blueprint. Just like “subsidy is gone.” In the end, hope – old or new, renewed or recycled – does not turn gen on. The only tangible things Tinubu’s hope has achieved are debts, borrowings and hardship!

Yes o! Hope does not move danfo from Oshodi to CMS in Lagos. It can’t power keke from Ibom Plaza to Itam Junction in Uyo. Hope does not buy rice that has climbed Mount Everest in price. It does not cook beans when kerosene is ₦1,500 per litre. Hope does not stop pepper from competing with gold in price.

Honestly, madam is right in her frustration. If subsidy proceeds had been used wisely, we would not be at the mercy of Dangote and PENGASSAN. After years and billions down some pockets with holes, our official refineries in Warri, Kaduna and Port Harcourt are still sleeping like ancient tortoises.

Just last year, one smelly mouth lied that the Port Harcourt refinery was “back to life.” We clapped. We danced. We even wrote headlines celebrating “Nigeria’s energy rebirth.” Later, a deluge of petrol from that ghost refinery caused flood in Tinubu’s dreams.

We woke from inebriated joy to realise that it was all premature celebration. Then, we started wondering: can Tinubu ever revive anything? One madman in my village is so sure even the biblical Lazarus would have refused to rise in this government. Tinubu’s promises are like a groom who faints before his wedding vows.

It’s so sad that one man now controls our petrol like a kid hoarding sweets. And oil workers keep threatening strike like angry drummers at a village festival. Meanwhile, Tinubu and his defenders keep annoying my coconut head with plenty grammar. “Fiscal framework… energy reforms… downstream liberalisation.” Oga, grammar can’t reduce the price of pure water. It does not light bulb, when Aso Rock itself relies on solar technology?

I used to think Tinubu meant well. Maybe he did. Maybe he does. But after two years of promises, it appears perhaps, somehow, anyway, anyhow, nonetheless, whatsoever, heretofore, nevertheless, you see…and so on!

One mischief maker said apart from finding his way into the Presidential Jet every two seconds, Baba has no clue where the country is headed. This government has no map, no compass, no direction. Or has it?

It seems Baba, “the driver”, after announcing the removal of fuel subsidy, climbed into the bus, but forgot where the steering wheel is. According to an ancient wisdom, if the shepherd misses the road, the sheep will not find the pasture.

So when my wife bangs the pot and curses fuel prices, she’s not just complaining about dinner.
She’s the masses, which the government inadvertently treats like an opponent. Yet, she speaks for millions of Nigerian wives, mothers, keke riders, bus drivers, students and families carrying the daily load of a government that sold us “hope” but delivered hardship pro max!

Like the Yorubas say: The man who sells his roof to buy an umbrella will soon discover that both sun and rain have joint ownership of the sky. We sold subsidy (our roof), but the umbrella (refineries) never came. Now both sun (Dangote) and rain (PENGASSAN) are beating us together.

Truth is, when a government fails to build its own house, it should not be surprised when its tenant — even if named Dangote — becomes the landlord.

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