Ned Nwoko: Managing Women As Lifetime Venture!

Ned Nwoko: Managing Women As Lifetime Venture!

By Usoro Usoro

Managing women is a lifetime venture. Ask Ned Nwoko. It’s not like running a business or lying in politics. It’s more like negotiating with a hurricane while riding a unicycle. Some say it’s a calling. Others, a curse. But either way, it’s a choice.

Once you register the course, it’s a scandal to drop. Perhaps that’s why our dear senator boldly went for a PhD program in matrimony by marrying four. But he confused “managing” thesis with that of “understanding” women!

Like Ned, I love women, too. Please, don’t tell my wife o. I’ve got over 20 women in my life — my mum, sisters, daughters, wife, aunties, cousins, girlfriends(?), exes, and those who send heart emojis. So believe me, I understand the syllabus. Women are just advanced software that men keep trying to run on 1999 operating systems.

After weeks of suspense, screenshots, and selective actions, Ned has finally broken his silence. His story is academically pathetic. The statement came in Queen’s English. Perhaps, typed by someone who probably thinks “domestic issue” means “house rent.” Now, before you ask what he said — don’t! Because I’m still trying to understand how the Nollywood-typed drama developed into real life. Yet, I swear, the man doesn’t deserve all the ‘wahala’ in his old age — especially the potbelly!

You see, according to the senator, after Regina, however heretofore inasmuchas whereas, it was immediately inconsequential to the issue. Folks, if you truly manage to understand Ned’s side of the story, congratulations! You’ve achieved what no administration has since independence — decoding the mystery of humane governance!

Nwoko says Regina’s a drug addict who needs rehab. That she abandoned her Lamborghini to cry in front of a camera by 2 a.m. Regina says Ned introduced her to the substance, to suit his sexual fantasy! Then a cousin to a friend’s driver claimed she only went to “cool off” in Asaba. Somewhere between “cooling off” and the “other stories” Nigerians lost the plot entirely. But wait, where are the kids in all the drama?

The whole episode appears to be the most confusing royal rumble since the days of King Nebuchadnezzar. Regina claims Ned misplaced his punching bags and started using her for practice. Apparently, he’s training to fight Mayweather. True or false, someone must have rolled eyes too hard.

There are now indications that Ned was misquoted when he said, “I am a peaceful man.” Chai! I keep wondering why he allowed a m storm in his marriage to make Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook have malaria.

Meanwhile, Regina, the nation’s baby girl, says Ned married her at 17. With fake bravery, she kept broadcasting soft-life updates. She probably hoped her strong Wi-Fi signal would drown the scandal. Her glowing 4 a.m. selfies later melted into a tearful 2 a.m. video. Nigerians paused fuel price debates to study her facial expressions like CCTV operators. Perhaps, to detect acting from real heartbreak.

What started as a celebrity disagreement soon turned into a national committee hearing. TikTok lawyers filed imaginary divorce papers. Twitter therapists diagnosed “emotional imbalance.” Instagram feminists wrote essays on “youth and patriarchy.” And Facebook uncles prayed for “marital maturity with sense.” Before long, the entire country had moved into Nwoko’s marriage — rent-free.

But hold it! The one thing not funny in all of this is the whiff of domestic abuse rumours. If Ned, senator or saint, ever raised a hand in anger, that hand needs immediate impeachment. You can’t preach love with fists. And, no culture turns battery into affection.

You know what? Nigerians are tired of this celebrity marital reality show. We’re fine with peace, progress, and maybe ‘NEPA light’ — if ever. We’ve got enough drama from T-Pain and Trump. PHED itself is already in a toxic relationship with us.

Regina’s tearful video wasn’t the glamorous spectacle many online jokers made it out to be. It was a cry for help from a woman who needs help. When someone sings fear of being “locked up and abused,” that’s not content. Could be a confession(?). For once, Nigerians should’ve listened, not screenshot.

Whatever went wrong in that union deserves mediation and compassion, not jokes and hashtags. If Regina says she’s afraid, we owe her empathy first, judgment later. Because when we mock a woman’s distress, we make it harder for the next “victim” to speak up.

Meanwhile, I’m still reading Ned’s statement. As part of the course: “Managing Women 101”. Where the tuition is patience, and the final exam may never end.

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